For the longest time – and because of self-loathing and fear - I tried to fit in with others views of what is acceptable and lovable and have bent myself into every possible shape to ‘fit in’ – perhaps that’s why I became a Yoga teacher; a physical contortionist when really I was being an emotional and mental contortionist rather than owning up to who I really am.
It took me over 50 years to realise that I wasn't the only one and that it is only the brave who have the courage to be exactly who they are; shamelessly, proudly and with fervour. This realisation came after many ‘life slaps’ as I call them. A ‘life slap’ happens when you’re not listening to yourself and keep on doing the thing that makes you feel out of sync: That thing that makes you feel out of sorts and just ‘wrong’ with life rather than right with it.
Slaps came in the form of illness, loss, depression and thoughts around futility and lack. It went on for around 15 years but I finally busted out of that shell and kicked its ass! Some may say that 15 years of struggle is a long time but believe me, some people stay in that rut for the majority of their lives, so I count myself as one of the lucky ones who finally got a wake-up call that I actually heard! I swear I must have slept through hundreds of alarm bells before one of them was loud enough to wake me up.
The loud bell was on an extended ring and lasted for about 3 years before I went ‘Duh’! That moment happened when I lost my flat, lost my work, lost my health; my friends, my relationship and just about everything else and I had to move in with my parents in a tiny house on the commuter belt to London and sit in my mess until I faced it; and trust me when I say that I tried just about everything to resist. Finally I buckled down and did 3 years of non-stop inner work. All the things I had been avoiding in myself and in life, I made the decision to face head on…and I did it. It was painful, unpleasant, nerve racking and unbearable but I stuck it out. And then I realised something essential...and that was:
You can do ANYTHING if you want it enough and if you persevere. So all my years of studying the holistic and esoteric arts suddenly became grounded in truth. I have to say, it was and is the most satisfying experience of my life to date and the most important thing is that if I can do it; then YOU can do it too; if anyone can do it, then everyone can do it.
And THAT is something that makes it all worth while…